At first I thought it was an SNL sketch.
No More Woof claims to be "the first device to translate animal thoughts into human language."
Are my childhood dreams finally coming true? No...wait...this is a joke, right? Of course, I had delve in. This would either be satisfaction of my wildest fantasy (sad, I know) or a good laugh. Turns out it might be both.
No More Woof is being developed by a Scandinavian team called the Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery (NSID). They say:
The idea behind NSID is simple: The world is changing. Yesterday's giants are today's dwarfs. Only 24 companies listed on Fortune 500 in 1970 is still around. Ten years ago, Nokia was the highest valued brand in technology; nobody had heard of Facebook or the iPhone. Together with engineers, product developers and visionaries, NSID has set a goal: To find, invent and develop RADICALLY new and awesome products with the potential to change the world.
As much as I love dogs, I'm not certain that a translator is going to change the world, but we'll let that minor point slide. What might our dogs be thinking?
"Feed me now."
"Feed me again."
"This smells good."
"Can I compare that aroma to the one emitting from your butt?"
"Don't you feel like BBQ-ing up some juicy steak for me?"
"HEY! HEY! HEY! THERE'S A DOG ACROSS THE STREET! HEY! HEY! HEY! HE MIGHT COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND KILL US ALL DEAD! HEY! HEY! HEY! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THE URGENCY OF THIS SITUATION! HEY! HEY! HEY! YOU ARE THE DUMBEST HUMAN ON THE PLANET. WE'RE ABOUT TO ALL BE KILLED AND YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! UM...HEY! HEY! UM...WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? HEY! Don't you feel like steak for dinner? HEY!"
"I think it's feeding time."
I'm just guessing, here. Our pooches might know the answer to world peace or the solution to global warming. Anything is possible.
It turns out that NSID has about ten products currently in development, including a flying carpet, which totally adds to their credibility, doesn't it? They say that No More Woof is their "definitely our most revolutionary invention so far." More so than the flying carpet? This thing must really be awesome.
Check out their informational video, since I can't describe it any better:
These people are smart, attractive (and funny) dog lovers. So forget the absurdity, and let's go with it!
WHAT I LOVE ABOUT NO MORE WOOF
• I might find out what swear words N.A.S.H.A. knows when she's dead-legging me.
• Perhaps our pooches will finally claim their toots. They seem like the type to be proud of that sort of thing.
• We could learn the background and psychological history of our adopted friends (this might require a larger investment in therapy).
• We'd know what the floor really smells like.
• That world peace thing.
WHAT I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT
• How do you get them to actually wear that thing? Unless they are being paid the big bucks at a call center, of course.
• Suppose Fido wants steak and lobster with drawn butter for every meal and that's not in my monthly budget? What then?
• What if I find out my dog secretly hates me? Will I be able to afford the therapy that revelation requires?
• What if all my dog is really saying is "HEY! HEY! HEY!" Will I be able to afford the therapy that revelation requires?
• Could this be a violation of U.S. privacy acts? We'll have to check with the government on that. On second thought, we're probably all good, there.
Even if No More Woof is not the cure for global warming, it's sure to be as much a source of good old fashioned entertainment as the Ouija Board, right? At the forefront of this device's entertainment value are the voice concepts, which can be heard on their home page. I think they've nailed most of the voice possibilities we all imagine, though I'd love to see a Spanglish option, which is how I imagine most of Phoenix's chihuahuas to speak. Perhaps that's with language development.
In all seriousness, I love this thing! Imagine the possibilities! NSID has imagined future applications and accessories:
• Getting to personalize the device to distinguish even more thoughts, and combination of thoughts, like "Who is that woman? She looks nice!"
• Using the device to let hurt or disabled pets control artificial limbs or other appliances.
• Two-way communication. This is The Holy Grail for us. Not only should you be able to understand your pet. Let them understand you. A similar device can be hooked up on humans translating our thoughts into dog, or other animal tongue like–oh sweet thought–a dolphin!
• Recognition of advanced thought patterns.
• Uncensored edition: hear your dog spelling out its horny thought. Perfect opener in the park: "hey, bitch, wanna play?"
• The Pavlovian Training Kit (with the use of play and classical conditioning, you and your pet will understand each other even more. By letting the...(original instructions by Ivan Pavlov are provided).
So however impractical and crazy this whole shenanigan may seem, they've got it all figured out.
Want one? Here's the bottom line: You can preorder. Prices range from the ultra-affordable $65 to the nearly bank-breaking $1,200, depending on your translation needs and pocketbook. The No More Woof web site clearly lets us know that the actual product is a long way from being mass-produced, so we shouldn't get our hopes up, but these prices might be peanuts for what the potential may be.
Go back to your childhood and just imagine...
What would your dog say to you? Please tell us!